cockroaches and unstable equilibriums

01 Sep, 2025

($\star$) I never realized how easy it was to fall once you've gotten back up ($\star$). ($\star$) I've spent a long portion of my life trying to leave parts of myself, ($\star$) like a snake molting its skin. Or like pruning a bush of its branches ($\star$). But I'm not a snake, and I'm not a bush. I am a human being, whatever that means. ($\star$)

($\star$) I know many people who are many things. I know a cloudy glass pane, I know a robot, I know a crack in the pavement, I know a rabbit, and I know the scratches behinds ones eyes. But even those people are human beings. We can only be these things because we are human beings ($\star$). I still don't know what this means. ($\star$) Perchance we can be both ($\star$) ($\star$).

($\star$) I thought I was a chameleon for a bit. Other times a mirror. I think maybe I only reflected those who were in front of me. And that ($\star$) I collected ($\star$) and that ($\star$) I stored ($\star$) and that ($\star$) I dispersed ($\star$). At times I thought I was a swordsman who would cut down that which was in front. I think the most recent was a knight that stayed true to the path in which they had sworn their honor to. Maybe it was the kaleidoscope of gleaming shards that I left when I ran ($\star$).

($\star$) Maybe this book is for me. ($\star$)

($\star$) Don't know if I can just say perchance. I think someone at somepoint at sometime said I couldn't just say perchance. Foiled again. I am actually the scooby-doo gang amalgamated. ($\star$)

($\star$) But no matter how much I changed and grew and became I still fell. Why did I still fall? It was because I was standing right goddamn next to the ledge. I thought I was in this situation:

But I was in this!!

What I thought was very stable was actually very unstable. Crud.

(This is a mechanic in Super Paper Mario. I have not played this game.)

($\star$) So I have to look properly. I've always kept moving ahead. But I have to remember and deal with things properly this time. ($\star$) ($\star$)

($\star$) I am so so sick. Of consuming. Of consuming videos, of consuming shows, of consuming knowledge, of eating and eating and eating. ($\star$) I am once again and always have been a cluster of cockroaches. I take them off the road and I feed off of them. ($\star$) And they join to become I ($\star$). ($\star$) so edgy ($\star$). ($\star$) How did I ever forget about the cockroaches? They don't leave no matter how hard I try and get them do. Sturdy as hell. ($\star$) ($\star$) ($\star$). ($\star$) I think I needed to make something for once. Which is maybe why I am writing this.

This blog post was a lot of things. But I liked it. I think that I like beautiful things. And that I chase beautiful things. And that at some point I wanted to be a beautiful thing. But I think all people are beautiful. ($\star$) They are swirling webs of ideas and thoughts and experiences ($\star$), and its a real loss anytime one perishes. At which you reach the bargaining. Can't this be said about most things? Maybe even all things? Ah crap we are back at the Souls Post. Even if everything is beautiful it changes nothing about the way I would act upon reality. But I think this is graph theory in that we have a loop of nodes? Maybe I could apply more graph theory. Hmm. Much to think about. ($\star$)